I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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