If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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