I'm so fucking centered right now
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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