just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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