thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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