Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
