Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
