I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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