last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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