Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
