I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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