when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
