The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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