now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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