Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
