I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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