i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
