I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
