the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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