Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I love having hate sex.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
