He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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