I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
