If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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