so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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