I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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