I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
