Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
