I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
