it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
