non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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