We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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