Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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