and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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