I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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