i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
