You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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