when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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