I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
