Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
