it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Come see our sink grown plant.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
