so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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