if you like me you must not know who I am
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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