You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
