the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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