Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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