broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
