My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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