and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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