She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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