Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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