Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
