i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
this just has baby written all over it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
we should paint friendship bongs
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize