you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
