I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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