He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
