I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
