How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
